All the Lonely People

by Margaret McCray, LMFT

612.332.7743 ext. 222
mmccray@wpc-mpls.org

It's that time of year. As the holidays approach, the inevitable slump into loneliness begins for many people. But no matter the time of year, we all experience some loneliness in the course of a lifetime: the loss of a loved one; a change in residence, or job, or school that leaves us without our usual social support systems; an illness that keeps us isolated; a desire for a partner that goes unfulfilled; the loneliness of being different.

Loneliness is an emotion not related to the action of choosing aloneness or solitude, which many of us do with regularity and satisfaction. We do not choose loneliness and we are often ashamed to admit we even feel it. Yet, remedies abound. The main ingredient in the cure is community. Find a group to be involved with-volunteer work, church, clubs, political action, sports, school or adult education-anything that opens the door to doing for, being with, sharing experience with other people (and even pets, who can be wonderful companions).

So, what keeps the lonely from pursuing the cure? The answer, I believe, is our relationship to our inner self. Curiously, the "inner self" by its very definition is the essence of aloneness. We cannot inhabit that space with anyone else and we may even keep ourselves out. For some of us, beginning at an early age, we put up walls for protection from hurt or abuse, the fear of shame, abandonment or pain. Exploring what is behind our fortress, if done with care, self-respect, compassion and gentle curiosity, with a safe friend, counselor or guide can be the beginning of the freedom to know ourselves in all our human weakness and strength. Art, music and poetry, the language of image and metaphor, sound and silence can also lead us down the path to our deepest truths. As did the Prodigal Son, we too can "come to ourselves."

Accepting and loving ourselves in spite of our blemishes and regrets, experiencing our joy and hope as the loving grace of God, these are the beginning of sharing our self with others through words, emotions, and actions. We can take down the walls and put up fences with welcoming gates. We can tear down the brambles, plant gardens and invite others to join us there. We can dare to walk out and discover who our neighbors are. We can choose the amount of solitude and community we need for our inner peace and serenity. This is God's gift to each of us-the knowledge of our inner being through which we love others and are loved in return. Thanks be to God.